Hi there internet !
If assholes could fly, the world would be an airport. Today’s topic was inspired by all the lovely assholes that surround me each and every day with their neverending delight, knowledge and insight. So here’s a little guidebook to save yourself from being an abomination to planet earth. This, ladies and gentleman is how be an asshole.
1- Take your ideas for universal truth. I’m not even going to explain this point because i think that regular humans will understand what I’m talking about. Anyone who doesn’t respect other people’s beliefs, anyone who can’t discuss something without being an extremist in his ideas, anyone who think he’s just smarter and better because he has this belief system or because he read this or that book or because he thought of this idea… is without a single doubt the biggest jerk around. Yes, defending your beliefs is great, yes holding tight to your perception is a must in our ever-changing world, talking about your opinions and ideas is amazing… but respect, humility (real one), acceptance, humanity! are much-needed and should be the most basic thing we teach our kids and if we weren’t thought, that we teach ourselves.
2- Gossip about how bad you think people live their lives. If you want to help, anyone, anything, you can ask to talk to them, if they accept, you may give them your genuine and thoughtful opinion. If they think about what you told them, it’s a win for both of you. If they don’t, you will have to suck it up and accept the fact that you are not here on this planet to tell people how you think they should live their life. The only thing you are here for is to care for you, if anyone allows you to care for them, great, but if no one asks, then please, just stick to the flawed person you are. Don’t go around telling juicy stories about the people you know to others like a hollywood reporter, why would you become an open publicity spot ? The only reason you would do that is if you think the people you talk about are super stars, that the bad things they did should be on tabloids and that you’re that dumb guy who follows celebs to get pictures and probably will get a middle finger between two stolen shots ( they’re called paparazzis, right). Don’t you have like a life to talk about instead to be, or are your friends and ennemies the only interesting thing in your life ? How sad.
3- Say nothing constructive when people actually take their headphones away to hear you. When people put their headphones on, it’s usually because they’d rather listen to their great music than listen to, well, nothing much interesting going on. So if you actually get them to take their plugs for you, at least say something more important than their music. Actually, this applies to every life situation, if you ask for someone’s attention, better make it for a good reason. People have problems, struggles on their own, worries and anxieties… so if you keep asking people to give you some of their time or some of their energy and attention for nothing, you’ll lose them and they won’t give it to you when you actually need it. Make things count.
4- Throw garbage in the streets because you’re too fucking lazy to go to the nearest garbage bin, which is usually just about 3 or 4 steps close. People who don’t give a single fuck about pollution, civil manners and urban aesthetics just offend me as a human being, just why. And the worst of all, is when you tell your asshole friend to pick it up and he gets offended and brings his four-dimensional ego into the story and refuses to pick it up. The fact that you got down and picked it up usually makes him laugh and feel like he just accomplished a world record, well, I think he’s right. Well done being an asshole, i bet you feel great about yourself.
5- Fret when someone smiles at you. The truth is, the only reason I smile at people is because I don’t give a fuck who the hell they are but me, as the happy person i am, i want to share some of my state of mind with people who either seem to lack that happiness or who look like they want to share it too. So technicaly, I have no interest whatsoever in your pathetic self or little suspicious person, I just want to share my vibes and say hi. So if you’re one of those rude ass people who blame the entire universe for the divorce of their parent, the failure of their lives and the bad sex they had last night and think that anyone smiling at them is either a freak, a flirt or someone who’s about to ask them for a favor… then, please, just kill yourself already.
6- Wear sunglasses inside, at night. There’s probably about two logical reasons why you would wear sunglasses inside and not be an asshole : 1/ you forgot, so it will probably happen once in a long while and your friends will make sure to make you regret it; 2/ you have some sort of contagious eye disease Other than that, please don’t.
7- Treat people poorly just because you have more power, strength, money etc. Being a bully, physically or mentally doesn’t show your strength, it just shows how weak you truly are, you can’t fight the people who are stronger than you so you go for the easy solution : pick up on the underdogs.“If you want to know what a man is like, take a look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals”. Not that any human being is inferior in value to any other human, but physically, materially and in many other levels, there are differences and people are indeed worse or better. In the human level, bullies are at the bottom. Right below Beliebers and Drama queens.
8- Using the last of anything and not replacing it. Toilet paper, appetizers, hand towels… just replace it, for humanity’s sake. What happens is that once you learn to actually give a fuck about the sadness in the entire “person after you not finding toilet paper” situation, you learn to be considerate of what others after you will feel. You start thinking that earth, just like toilet paper, is something we don’t use alone (unless you live on your own, but luckily for us, you don’t live alone on planet earth), so someone after us will need to find it intact or at least restored. Thinking of the impact we have on things, objects, nature, people, is extremely important if we want to grow as people.
9- Leaving your rude child act like he’s possessed by Baal and not think that you, as a parent, should stop him and teach him proper civil and human manners. He hits another kid or an old lady ? He’s just a kid. He insults strangers in the street ? Who the fuck cares, they’ll probably forget by the end of the day. I’m so mad at 90% of the parents I meet because they simply suck at life and teach their kids how to suck at life even more. And then you find them, few years later, complaining about how bad this generation is (knowing they raised this new generation), and how their kids are a complete mess and how they don’t know what they did wrong. Let me enlighten you, dear parents, if your kid is under 12.9, he shouldn’t be using a phone, a laptop nor the internet. If your kid is of the human race, he shouldn’t be allowed to hate on someone based on their looks, color, ethnicity or religion and this is something YOU should teach him since day one: how to respect, love and coexist. If your kid cries, hates on you, fights with you and has suicidal thoughts because you didn’t get them the new iPhone 9, they’re spoiled little piece of shit and you should hate yourself because now the world has one additional asshole. Congrats.
10- Taking credit for other people’s work, and blaming others for failure. Your group managed to pull a nice project ? “I worked really hard for this, and I’m proud of the success I made because I believed in myself blablabla”. Your group failed the project ? “Oh well, they were lazy, and the group hated me anyways and they didn’t help me and there were too many problems and Afghanistan declared war to Syria…. ” Shush. I hate people who think as a person when they should be talking as a we. Always refer to your government, group, work, family and any group of more than just you as WE: WE thank you very much for your effort, WE appreciate your help, WE’re sorry for the bad project, WE will try harder next time… and so on. So much stupidity around, why can’t we just be responsible for our own action? Can’t we just start loving and caring about each other’s growth as humans and as a specie and stop seeing everything as a competition of who got the bigger ego ?
God, writing this article gave me cancer, and I still didn’t cover 2% of how people chose everyday to suck at this beautiful thing called life. Why hate ? Why judge ? Why annoy ? Why disturb the peace ? Why pollute ? Why shame ? Why curse ? Why harass ? Why aggress ? Why bully ?… So many questions actually. I think everyone, one by one, needs to stop for a minute and reconsider his acts and words, what are the things that we do to others and that we wouldn’t want to be done to us. Just by putting ourselves in the shoes of others, we’ll change the way we live many things. Then comes the second part. There’s a teaching where the four most important life lessons are resumed to these 4 elements : know how to suffer, how to be silent, how to restrain and know how to die. So yeah, one of the most important things in life is to simply know how to shut the fuck up. I can’t emphasize on this more. After putting yourself in the shoes of others, how to mind your own business and shutting the fuck up, all is left is to actually take care of you ! Read books, go to the spa, learn something new, find a job… I don’t know, just stop being an asshole, get better at anything you decide to do with your life and be you. Vivre et laisser vivre, To live and allow others to live. In peace, in silence, in harmony.