« Si tu veux t’acheminer vers la paix définitive,
Souris au destin qui te frappe,
Et ne frappe personne. » Omar Khayyam
I had one of the hardest weeks so far in my short, but full, nineteen years of life. I just lost one of my best friends. Her name is Dilal, it means shadows in arabic, but she had nothing but light in her, nothing but pure cosmic energy, nothing but joy. Being with her almost every day made me forget how adorable and funny she is, it became so natural to always hear her voice and have her company. Now I miss her spontaneous laughter, her loud talking that I used to find annoying, her bright red lips, her “blonde” self who was always here to cheer anyone up and keep the moods on top. She was simply a bag of life. One of the reasons I’m holding on has to be faith, I know that somewhere, somehow, there’s a higher consciousness in the universe who knows the reason behind this sudden loss. Her life mission was probably to teach us lessons, about life, about death, about friendship, about love, about committment, about loyalty, about happiness, about surrendering to what simply is. I learned so much thanks to her and I can never thank her enough for that, I can only live up to what I learned and become the strongest version of me I can become, just like she wanted me to be, just like I wanted her to be, and she was. To stay gentle in a world so cruel is the most powerful sign of strength, and that’s who she was as a person. She had a smile that can take you places and melt any heart. She had galaxies in her eyes. Her life had a purpose, to bring souls closer, to make us meet her sister, her family, her best friends, and to be that source of inspiration to each one of us. Even after her death, she is still living for everyone else besides herself, she is so absolutely selfless in a world so selfish that her existence itself is an act of rebellion. The other reason I’m holding on is because I know that she was in peace, she died with nothing but peace and clarity on her mind and soul. She found herself in this world, and now she’s the birds she always adored and she’s flying, my beautiful bird, in different realms maybe, different universes. She went from being a fish to becoming a bird. I imagine her, so light that she travels to the moon and back in a matter of seconds, I imagine her still trolling me sometimes and laughing at the stupid jokes that I make, I imagine her happy, wherever she is, either she is or isn’t…
I’m holding on because I was with her the last day it happened, because I saw her when I knew there was no chance that she survives her coma. Seeing her for the first two times was the hardest experience I had so far. I never had anything to do with death before, I never saw it, felt it nor dealt with it. It was always something that happened to the “others”. The second time I saw her, i talked to her. I took her hand, I told her all the things i should have told her more often, and the things I never did because we always take everything for granted. I told her she was, indeed, a great friend; I told her I loved her, I told her she’s an inspiration, I told her I’m sorry, for every time I made her feel bad, for all the times she asked me to spend the night or come over and I didn’t. I told her how mesmerizing she is, how we’re all there for her, that she needs to fight as much as we are fighting… I told her goodbye. Our souls connected for the last time, we gave each other a date, we’ll meet in another horizon, in another reality, someday… And she will tell me about her trip, how her road was, where she went when she was a travelling soul. And we will talk, like if nothing ever happened, like if everything happened, like if the time belongs to us. She was always a fighter. And now, we’re the ones who need to fight. Not against life, destiny, death, others or ourselves, but against agony. Against everything that dies in us while we’re alive. We need to fight depression, sorrow, pain, doubt, guilt, anger, anxieties… We need to keep ourselves as alive as possible, and if I can take one life lesson from all of this, it would be to love and care for everyone around us while they’re still here. If you miss someone, call. If you fight with someone, try to solve the problem as soon as possible, tell that person you’re sorry even if it’s a lie. Tell people how you feel about them, show them you care, show them your love and affection. Never say things that you may regret or that can hurt another person’s feelings. Death can take anyone, and anything, at any given moment, we won’t always have the time to fix things up, sometimes it’s simply too late. You may not be aware of it, but the regrets we have after we lose someone, are the worst we can have because there is no coming back. The time doesn’t run backwards, you can’t unsay what you said, you can’t take away the hate you sent, you can’t tell that person your feelings, you can’t give advice anymore, you can’t love anymore, you can’t hug, you can’t spend quality time, you can’t give more attention, you can’t show you care more often, you can’t trust more. Nothing can be done anymore, we become powerless in front of death. So let’s live our lives so that no death can kill what’s living inside of us, let’s live so that we never regret a single thing we’ve done, or that we didn’t do. Let’s reach out to the people we love, the people we lost, the people who may dislike us. Let’s reach out to our inner self, let’s create a new system based on love, purification of our sins, share, honesty, happiness and mutual help.
By learning this lesson, and also by sharing it with you guys through this platform and in real life, I feel like her life can never be vain. She lived for a purpose, I love her from the bottom of my heart and she will forever be a part of me, in me, with me. That on its own makes me happy. If Dilal didn’t share the entire road with me, she shared a great part, and she helped me chose the path I should follow, which means she is still with me, since she’s the road herself. The road is the road of love, energy and union. I chose oneness, I chose greatness of the universe and the greatness of souls, I chose God, I chose light.
Your eternal loving friend,
P.S : a special prayer goes to Dilal Ainou, the cutest being on earth (besides her niece, Yakout), and to all her family, especially her sister/best friend Shera. May God help us through this, may she find eternal peace. Amen.